[x]

Gummy,the plasticity girl.

Chapter.2

銀行内は緊迫した空気に包まれていた。
「ほほう、どう”終わり”なんだよ？」
相手はたかが女１人、こちらは２人で武器は拳銃。おまけに人質までいる。
川口はノブに&#

Gummy,the plasticity girl~Chapter 1

Gummy,the plasticity girl

Chapter.1

うららかな３月の昼下がり。街行く人達の服装もここ数日は、厚手のコートやジャケットから薄手のシャツやカーディガンなどの軽やかな春の装いに変わっていた。
気象

Abigail and the Rats of NIMH - Chapter 23

Upon returning to the Brisby home, Abigail explained to her friends what had happened and what the Great Owl had said. It seemed that the next course of action was to leave for Thorn Valley, without haste.

“Thanks for letting us spend the night,” said Gadget to Mrs. Brisby, smiling and putting a hand on her shoulder, as everyone gathered outside by the Ranger Wingamathing, “I don’t know what we’d do if we hadn’t met such a kind family.”

“Oh, it was nothing,” Mrs. Brisby answered shyly.

“Good luck at Thorn Valley,” said Timothy, “When you get there, try and find my b

Unworthy {9}The creaky wooden door opened.

Loki didn’t bother turning around at first, but the smell of white amber soon aroused his curiosity. He craned his neck around and jumped as a small child unceremoniously plopped downin fron of the bars, grinning ear to ear.

“Hallo!” Fyr said breathlessly. Her face was beet red and she was gasping for air. A fine sweat was beading on her forehead. “Wheeeew. That was a long run.”

“Hello,” Loki replied scratchily, stiffly turning around and crossing his legs. He weakly smiled as well; it was hard not to when such a sweet child was so happy. “Why so excited?”

Team Sigma: Founders P7Chapter 7: The Assault
A few hours later, the four of us -- Tifa, Jack, Skall, and myself, to clarify -- were standing outside the outpost's hatch entrance. The sun was just beginning to disappear from the horizon, allowing us optimally low visibility.
For our assault, I had chosen to bring my combat knife, a silenced Kleiner handgun, and a few explosive gel capsules. Tifa carried her crossbow and what was either a large hunting knife or a machete, I don't specifically remember which. Jack opted to bring only her scalpel-esque blade, which she assured me would be sufficient. Lastly, Skall was equipped with a serrated sickle, another set of gel capsules, and some kind of SMG.
We immediately began the lengthy trek to Fort Kleiner, and luckily, we made much better time than I originally had. The tower was in sight just as early morning hit, still giving us some shadow to work with. Except for a few more patrols and drones, the scene was unchanged, and for a split second I contemplat

Search for the Plot pt. 13Chapter 13...

Elsewhere...

As Abe and Mr. Hack were finishing up the badfic they were reading, the door burst open. Just behind the gaping hole was Mechamentio.

“I'm back.” He simply said.

“Why, Mr. Mechamentio713.” Mr. Hack greeted, as if addressing someone he secretly disliked, but kept up the face of nothing short of pure innocence, “To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?”

“Fanfiction Dot Net moderator Harold Hack, on behalf of bloggers and decent fanfiction authors everywhere, I place you under arrest.” Mechamentio said, his wrist shifting and causing a blade of pure light to em

Transformers: Inception- Prologue

TRANSFORMERS: INCEPTION

Prologue: The Introduction

Explosions rocked the burning ruins of Iacon as a terribly wounded Optimus Prime dragged his bleeding chassis out of the fallen architecture that once was the Iacon Hall of Archives. Crawling into his command post, he grabbed a ledge to pull himself to his pedes as he limped over to the damaged communications grid. Energon seeped out of a myriad of abrasions and threatened to spill more as he forced his weakened structure to operate under normal status while he could feel his sensual impulses starting to wane drastically. Opening a private channel to the underground Autobot base, he began t

Cyclonian Chronicles: A Forgotten Storm Chpt 2Cyclonian Chronicles: A Forgotten Storm
Chapter Two

The skimmers engines purred softly as the Dark Ace left Cyclonia with a small squadron of three trusted Talons, the hidden compass leading the way. Anymore and they would be noticed quickly by any skynights in the quadrant, which they didn’t need.
Time was of the essence here, as the Dark Ace was sure Cyclonis would try and increase the energy intake so she could do more things than just talk and lie down.
Cyclonis hated showing a weakness, and more than once it had come at his expense.
Yet he was just prized enough to stay her right hand man, especially in times like this.
The last

Bloodied Air - Part 4 [A Dead Space Fanfic]I didn’t even realize I could become so winded. It was apparent to me that, in this situation, it was no surprise at all. Hell, I could barely even keep myself steady, no-less hold on to the tool I now had to trust as a weapon.

Carelessly flipping myself over against the wall of the small compartment, I caught the sight of Sifty’s helmet shifting and collapsing back into his RIG. The sound of the machinery clicking and sliding were the only sounds in the room besides the heavy breathing coming from inside of my helmet, and now from my new companion’s open one.

“Sorry, boys…” Sift spoke somewhat exasperat

Unworthy {8}Yet another week wore on. Two Three.

Another mark was scratched into the wall with a bit of stone. 21 tally marks and counting, engraven in the damp, earthy stone, waiting for him to go mad.

Loki’s hands shook as he scraped at the rock. With the freezing environment, sudden haircut, and prison diet, he knew he was going to get sick.

It felt like his throat was on fire. Water left it feeling dry, like it was a desert soaking up every bit of rain. It only relieved it for a couple of minutes before he restarted coughing like a jerking marionette. When he wasn’t coughing, he was hiccupping. He felt rather stupid, but after about an

Search for the Plot pt. 15Chapter 15...

Ray's quarters...

Ray sighed as he typed on his laptop. He saw pictures of him and Abe just goofing off, drinking soda, reading crappy fanfictions, and just laughing.

“I should've knocked him outta the way.” Ray muttered, darkly, “It should have ended long ago...there's no strength left in fanfiction...”

“I believe you are mistaken, Ray.” came a voice. With a shimmer, a ghostly form of Mechamentio appeared.

“Mechamentio?” Ray asked, “What're you doing here?”

“I transferred a piece of my consciousness into Lunatic's computer when I was here last.” Mecha

CoraxiansChapter one

Gray had concluded that it had been a terrible accident to have befallen the young lieutenant after a thorough investigation by the Engineering crew it was deemed that a faulty rack had been put in place when the cargo hold was constructed.

As Gabriel read the report he had to admit that Travis was thorough and seeing no fault in what the man had to say he filed it and then sent a message of condolence to Davros’s family.

The investigation had taken a couple of weeks and in that time not only had the Tundra mapped a few new star charts for the Alliance but also that his relationship with T’shlar was now common knowl

After the End Ch 6: Don't Look UpIt was a foggy morning. Dennis and Eric slowly made their way down the road, weapons in hand, looking for a gas station. It had been almost a week since their departure from Westwood, and the SWAT truck was running low on fuel. Dennis looked down at his forearms as they walked. The burns had healed, but left some ugly scars. He didn’t mind, he hadn’t gotten it nearly as bad as others had. Thinking of Tara caused him to sigh and rub his eyes, drawing Eric’s attention.
“You okay?” The kid asked.
“I’m fine.” Dennis replied. “Just thinking…” Eric hesitated, still eyeing t

Gears (season final)I decided to sprint to the targeted area, as it was quite a ways away. i was within 50 yards of the destination when my display lit up with a full spectrum in a quick flash. within an instant the patch i was wearing on my right eye was flung off, and i saw... what looked like a smudged spectrum of colors, and then i felt a blunt force.
when i regained my scenes my replaced eye wasn't working, i could hear a heavy static over my normal hearing, and my vision was blurry, but i was being dragged by the pegasus who had flown me in. she was still wearing her flight mask, and i could hear her.
"you've gotta activate it!" she said through the muffl

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On Hadean, Seiton forced all of the commanding officers and high ranked Helbots under the command of Midas into his den knowing that they failed to kill Alexander. As Midas' high ranked officers entered Seiton's den, he was enraged.

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Hybrid, Chapter 6: The Fortune Teller

by *Bclement117, Jan 17, 2011, 4:52:11 PM
Literature / Prose / Fiction / Science Fiction / Introductions & Chapters

Chapter 2:
The Fortune Teller

June 14, 2343

     The Fortune Teller woke up early that morning to travel deep into the jungle. Once she finds Alexander, she'll read his mind and know his future. She was eager to know everything about him. The question is would she see him as an Oman or an Angel?

     As she entered the jungle, she took off her sandals and watched her step so she doesn't step onto a snake, lizard, rodent, sticks, twigs, or insects. The sunlight from Vega beamed through the forest as she traveled. The forest was a very easy place to get lost and blend in with the environment, which was perfect to hide Alexander.

     She moved as if she was a ghost or a snake. Then she found their house at a clearing of the forest. She thought the boy was in there hiding with his mother Helen and Nadnerb. She looked around to see if anyone was watching her. They were nowhere in sight.

     "Everything is quiet," she thought. She listened to find a voice and there wasn't. "This is too easy!" She chuckled as she was about to enter the house. "They have got to protect the boy from me better than that."

     As she got inside, she found the place deserted. They may have known she was coming. She searched all the rooms, under the beds, under the furniture, in the cabinets, everywhere. No one was home.

     "This is going to be harder to find the boy now," grumbled the Fortune Teller.

     Even though the house was empty, she wasn't going to give up. Her eyes were filled in heavy hunger for his mind. She was considered an enemy to them. She thought, "If that was the case, so be it!"

     She got out of the house and tried to figure out where else the boy could be. Then she found a path that went deep into the jungle. The boy must be at the very depth of the jungle. As she traveled down the path, the forest became thicker.

     Then the Fortune Teller found footprints. Some of the footprints with four toes and a thick back toe were made by a tall male Cobain. The other footprints were made by a young female Human, and a young boy. The boy's family made those footprints. She was hot on their trail! All she had to do was follow to see where those footprints go.

     She traveled on that trail for about a few hours, but to her it felt like time went by fast. As she traveled on the trail, she came upon a meadow. There were flowers everywhere. The flowers were about six foot tall and the colors were red and whitish blue. They smelled like a mix of strawberries and coconut. "They must be hiding the boy in the flowers," she thought.

     She then heard voices. The voices sounded like a young woman laughing along with a small boy and a man telling some funny stories. She also heard the boy running after butterflies, which was his favorite hobby. She was very close to the boy now. This was like a scene from a slasher film, where the victim wasn't aware of any danger.

     She carried her bag that was filled with items used for fortune telling, spells, and magic. She looked for something to trick Helen and Nadnerb as well as attracting the boy's attention. She found a mirror, which reflected sunlight. But this was no ordinary mirror; she was going to use it to put a spell on Helen and Nadnerb. She also had another mirror without a spell for only to attract the boy.

     She crouched to the ground as if she was going to pounce on a deer. She crawled up just about twelve feet near his family. Then she raised the mirror without the spell. Then Alexander saw the reflection and wondered what it was.

     "Mother, what is it?" asked Alexander. Then he began to run to the Fortune Teller without knowing she was there.

     As soon as Helen and Nadnerb saw the reflection, the Fortune Teller raised the second mirror with the spell. As soon as the two saw the reflection, they froze like stone. This spell the Fortune Teller put on then would only last for about ten minutes. That would give her enough time to find out the boy's future.

     Alexander didn't pay attention while he ran up to where he saw the reflection. As he ran, he came face to face with her. He froze in fear as his eyes were locked into hers.

     "Well hello there, child," she smiled. "Don't worry, I don't mean you any harm."

     "Who are you?" Alexander was spooked.

     "I am a fortune teller! I can read anyone's future. Not only that I read people's future, I can perform magic tricks!" said the fortune teller.

     "My mother says I am not allowed to talk to strangers," he said.

     "I am no stranger! I am a friend of your uncle," she lied.

     "What is his name?" he asked.

     "Nadnerb!" she answered.

     Alexander thought she was telling the truth. She knew his uncle's name was Nadnerb, which would tell him that she was a friend. She smiled at him and acted as though she cared for him. Alexander read her like a book to make sure she was not hiding something. He felt like she was not going to harm him, so he trusted her.

     "Are you ready for me to tell your future?" she asked.

     "Yes," he answered.

     "Perfect!" she said. She had come all this way to read his future. She took out an orb from her bag to read his future.

     "Here is how we are going to do this; you will place your hand on the orb, and I will place my hand on the orb too and my other hand on your head and then I will read your future," she instructed. "Now let us begin!"

     So Alexander put his hand on the orb and so did the Fortune Teller. Then she put her hand on his head and closed her eyes. It was a big mistake.

     As she began to read his future, she saw the city with her people minding their own business. She saw Nadnerb walking towards a temple where Alexander was born when all of the sudden, the sky became dark. The Cobains looked up and saw large ships blocking their sunlight and then the ships phew fireballs to the city. The ground shook, the city was catching on fire, and everyone was running in panic. Then an army of demons landed on the surface and killed everyone!

     "Omen! You are a demon!" screamed the angry Fortune Teller. "You must to damn from this world!"

     Being called an Omen and Demon feared Alexander. He was so scared that he could not run, hide, or protect himself. The Fortune Teller took a sacred dagger out of her bag and snarled, "Your blood must be shed!"

     Then Alexander screamed "Mother!" His scream caused the Fortune Teller's spell to weaken and had set Nadnerb and Helen free. As they heard his scream, they rushed to his rescue. Helen grabbed him from the fortune teller and held him tightly as much as she could. Nadnerb was supposed to not let that happened. He had failed to protect Alexander from the Fortune Teller. He turned to Alexander and Alexander's eyes had tears of fear. Then he looked at the fortune teller with anger.

     Nadnerb grabbed the dagger from the Fortune Teller, aimed it at her, and yelled angrily, "What did you do?!"

     "I saw our own future from that demonic creature!" she was horrified.

     "Don't you ever call him that!" screamed Helen.

     "What did you to us?!" demanded Nadnerb.

     "I put a spell on you and the young woman so that you would not know I am here," she confessed.

     "You are a hag!" screamed Helen as she held Alexander deep into her chest as she tried to get him to calm down.

    "I saw the end of us! We are all are going to get killed by the Omen and your army of demons!" screamed the fortune teller.

     Helen remembered Alexander's nightmare about the demons and his nightmare was his future. Her eyes were filled with horror. She and her own family were about to die. She couldn't let him die.

     "I have to warn everyone! That demon will kill us!" alerted the Fortune Teller.

     "The only one who will be killed is you!" roared Nadnerb.

     As soon as he said, he charged at her with the dagger. But the Fortune Teller took out some powder and threw it to the ground and she disappeared. The family was having fun in the meadow until the Fortune Teller showed up. Nadnerb feared there will be a huge outbreak of panic and riot.

     "Both you and Alexander stay together and not let anyone near you, understand?" he commanded.

     "Yes! I am very scared!" Helen worried.

     "As soon as the witch is dead, we will travel far away and everything will start over for us," Nadnerb said.

     "What can we do? Are we going to die?" worried Alexander as he held his mother tightly.

     "We will just travel to an island that no one knows except me, no one lives on that island so we will survive," said Nabnerb.

     He ran as fast as he could to get out of the jungle and into the city. When he got into the city, the Fortune Teller started getting everyone's attention by saying that the end was near and demons were coming! The Vega star was setting, making everything dark. She was at the center of the city and a huge crowd surrounded her with fear. Nadnerb swam through the crowd as he was about to kill her. He took out his knife and leaped right into the Fortune Teller. But the Fortune Teller blocked his strike and knocked him out with a rock. After she knocked him out, she began her speech.

     "My people listen to me! Alexander known as the "Child of the Heavens" is a demon!  We have been deceived by our lords! The child did not come from our lords, the lords we trusted ever since we emerged! Now they can never be trusted! Today, I searched for this boy, looked into his mind, and saw our horrifying future!

     "I saw ships from the sky destroying our city, ships full of demons! We will be running for our dear lives, but the demons will track us down and we all died! He and his mother are responsible for bringing them to our world!"

     Then everyone started panicking and screaming in terror. Some started running to their homes and getting out of the city. But some started forming a group with the Fortune Teller to try to kill Helen and Alexander. They each had knives, clubs, and farm equipment to be used as weapons.

     "We must shed their blood to save our world from the demons," said a male Cobain raising his pitchfork.

     "And shedding their blood is what we will do!" declared the Fortune Teller.

     Many agreed with her and started getting any tools for weapons. Then Nadnerb woke and saw that an angry mob was formed. He was about to get up, but one male member of the fortune teller's group threw him down and about to slit his throat.

     "You are a trader to the entire world!" hissed the male member of the Fortune Teller's group.

     But this man was whacked in the back by Noremac. She helped Nadnerb get back up, but she was upset with him.

     "Mother, I failed! The Fortune Teller tricked me and formed an angry mob!" confessed Nadnerb.

     "Never mind that, where is Alexander?!" shouted Noremac.

     "He and Helen are deep in the jungle away from the tree house. I told her to travel far away from the city so that no one can find him," he said.

     "You have to get them to safety! I have heard about this future from the fortune teller! A storm is coming!" she warned.

    "A storm?" he asked.

    "This future that the Fortune Teller read from Alexander's mind, it is happening now!" she stated. Nadnerb looked and saw in horror a huge fleet of Helbot ships high above the sky.

Hybrid, Chapter 6: The Fortune Tellerby *Bclement117

Literature / Prose / Fiction / Science Fiction / Introductions & Chapters

I want many people reading this and make any comments or suggestions to make this chapter of Hybrid better! I want to know! I am doing this for a literature class and I want everyone to add comments and suggestions please!
Prologue:[link]
Chapter 1:[link]
Chapter 2:[link]
Chapter 3:[link]
Chapter 4:[link]
Chapter 5:[link]
Chapter 6:reading
Chapter 7:[link]
Chapter 8:[link]
Chapter 9:[link]
Chapter 10:[link]
Chapter 11:[link]
Chapter 12:[link]
Chapter 13:[link]
Chapter 14:[link]
Chapter 15:[link]
Chapter 16:[link]
Chapter 17:[link]
Chapter 18:[link]
Chapter 19:[link]
Chapter 20:[link]
Chapter 21:[link]
Chapter 22:[link]
Chapter 23:[link]
Chapter 24:[link]
Chapter 25:[link]
Chapter 26:[link]
Chapter 27:[link]
Chapter 28:[link]
Chapter 29:[link]
Chapter 30:[link]
Chapter 31:[link]
Chapter 32:[link]
Chapter 33:[link]

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`saintartaud Aug 23, 2011 Professional General Artist

Hey! I'm really sorry it's taken so long for me to leave a comment on this chapter. I actually read through over a month ago and thought I'd written half a critique, but I can't seem to find it. Anyway, I'll try to do the same as before, starting with a line-by-line and then general thoughts.

She was not going to give up until she tracked the boy down.
Remember what I said last time about showing and not telling? This line is very tell-y. It's something we could assume from her behavior and don't need blatantly stated.

The rest of the opening paragraph is repeat of everything introduced in the last chapter. The reader already knows this stuff, no need to repeat it.

When she entered the jungle, she took off her sandals so that she won't make noises in the jungle.
You're using past tense, so this should be "wouldn't."

The sunlight from Vega beamed through the forest so that she could see as she was traveling through the forest.
"Was traveling" is passive. "Traveled" is just fine.

She knew that the boy cannot be in the city…
Again, tense shift. Should be "could not."

The forest was a world of hide and seek.
This is one of your strongest lines in the story thus far. Great metaphor.

She moved as if she was either a ghost or a snake.
"Either" isn't necessary here.

She was a predator looking for her prey. That prey was Alexander.
This kind of metaphor is overused, but it fits the mood so I'll let it slide. I would, however, avoid specifying who she's looking for, since we already *know* who she's looking for. Have some faith in your reader and assume s/he can remember info from the previous chapter. It was only a page ago.

"Everything is quite," she thought.
I assume you mean "quiet."

She chcukled.
Another typo: chuckled.

"They got to protect the boy from me better than that."
Not sure if this is a colloquialism or not, but the correct phrase would be "They have got…" or "They've got…"

They may have known that she was coming.
I would suggest "they must have known…"

Under the beds, under the furniture, in the cabinets, everywhere!
If you remember my last critique, you know how I feel about exclamation marks in the action and description. Dialogue is OK, as long as you don't overdo it. Otherwise, don't. Ever. That's the last time I'll mention it.

She had become their enemy.
The phrasing here is kinda weird, since it implies *their* viewpoint and not hers. Perhaps "She would become their enemy" or have them become *her* enemy. Think from her viewpoint here, not theirs.

She studied them and found out the ones who made those footprints where a tall male Cobain, a young woman, and a small boy.
where = were?
Something that occurs to me is that this would be another opportunity to show us what the Cobains looks like vs. humans. Surely there is a difference in their footprints, yes? How does she differentiate? Also, the fortuneteller is a Cobain too, right? If so, she would really notice the boy's footprint as different from Nadnerb's, as opposed to the other way around. What I mean is, you might say something like, "She studied the footprints. One set was clearly a Cobain, probably male. The other was small and had five toes--a human." You don't have to do this exactly, I'm just showing how you *might* do it. Notice that all I mention is the number of toes, so we know the Cobain has more/less. These are the kind of details that matter in fantasy.

There were flowers everywhere. The flowers were tall, like about six foot.
As before, don't describe the flowers as being "everywhere." We're in a meadow, we can assume as much. I like that you mention they were tall, though I would avoid "like" as a qualifier. It's too conversational and doesn't fit the style you're going for. Otherwise, I would be a bit more descriptive. What color are the flowers? How do they smell? Don't follow my commands precisely, but think about using details like that to enhance the description.

Not only that I read people's future, I also perform magic tricks!
that = can

Then Alexander screamed "Mother!" and Nadnerb and Helen rushed to his rescue from the fortune teller.
This is kinda confusing. Weren't they just turned to stone like 5 minutes ago? It might be smart to add some kind of transition, so we know that the spell is very temporary. Otherwise, this just doesn't make sense. Crappy spell, if you ask me.

"You Hag!!!!!!" screamed Helen as she held Alexander deep into her chest as she trying to get him to calm down.
Yeah…here's an example where all the exclamation marks are unnecessary. One mark is probably fine.
Also, I would remove "as she [tried] to calm him down" entirely. For me, her action of holding him says as much as I need. You might in some other line be sure that we know he's crying or showing fear, but otherwise it's unnecessary to explain why she's holding him.

The family was having fun in the meadow until the fortune teller saw Alexander's future. The fortune teller was going to tell everyone about it and there will be a huge outbreak of panic and riot! He was not going to let this witch tell everyone about the future.
Again, show don't tell.
We know what the family was doing in the meadow and how the fortune teller ruined everything. Let us guess what happens next, or have them discuss what they think will happen next. Don't tell us.

Alexander also known as the "Child of the Heavens" is a demon!
For quotes inside of quotes, you should use an apostrophe instead: "…also known as the 'Child of the Heavens'…"
But personally, I think this title would be OK without quotes. As long as you capitalize, we know that it's a title they've given him.

OK. Overall, I found this chapter somewhat more effective than the last. The first half or so, especially, when the fortune teller is looking for Alexander is actually quite engaging. You're shifting the viewpoint and having us see what she sees. Your language and metaphors enhance the feeling of being on a hunt, which instills a sense of dread about what's to come. This is good. I would encourage you to think more about applying this idea to other chapters.

The one thing that would enhance this chapter overall is more attention to language and description. I noticed about halfway through that a lot of the sentences have a similar structure or follow a similar patterning structure. For instance, a lot of sentences read "She [action]…" This is OK in the first 3-4 paragraphs, since it enhances the mood. But after a while, it gets old. The other problem is that you prefer short declarative sentence, which again, works for the feel at the beginning, but gets old as the story progresses. Don't be afraid to combine sentences, throw in some conjunctions, etc. See if you can open a sentence with something besides a noun or pronouns. You use "then" and "but" at the beginning of a lot of sentences, so try varying that too. It's OK to structure sentences the way you're doing, but try to vary it a bit.
Regarding description, part of what works in the first 3-4 paragraphs is that you use some details of the setting to enhance the feel. But as the story progresses, you seem more concerned with action and dialogue, and you miss some opportunities to fill in details that are going to add interest. For instance, what does the journey to the city look like? You still don't specify distance or length of the journey. Are there any details in the city that would enhance that last scene? What does the angry mob look like? Last time I suggested improving the description, you kinda went by my exact words and did what amounted to randomly inserting bits and pieces. What I want you to do is to think about what needs to be described, what is useful to the mood of each scene, what helps us understand more about the situation. Maybe a description of the mob isn't necessary. But maybe a description of the street or specifying time of day is. It's really up to you. Just think about what will help the story and add some color/interest. When you're reading a fantasy or science fiction story, what details interest you?

I think I might have mentioned this in my last crate, but you don't need tags for every bit of dialogue. Most of your tags are pretty redundant when considering the punctuation. Maybe there is some other action that helps express what the character is saying? Like is he scratching his nose? Is she baring her teeth? Stuff like that says a lot. Again, go with what feels right to you.

One last thing…. The setup for this chapter has problems in terms of plotting/logistics. In the last chapter, they learned of the fortune teller's plan. It seems to me like they should have hidden Alexander and maybe told him, "Hey, if some stranger lady wants to read your fortune, don't let her!" But here we have the characters in a prone position, not in their house and not very well hidden/protected. The kid is initially suspicious (stranger danger!) but totally falls for the line about telling his future. All of this seems pretty dumb to me, considering the level of panic you closed with in the previous chapter. Smart characters would have taken somewhat better precautions, or at least acted less dumbfounded when the inevitable occurred. Are your characters stupid? If not, can you explain in the story why they didn't bother with precautions? The only excuse I see is that it was necessary for the plot, which is a weak excuse. Work on making this whole portion of the plot more believable.

-------------------

Hope this critique is helpful. I notice that you have written many more chapters. I can try to leave a comment on Chapter 3, but I can't guarantee it will be any time soon. Will do my best. Let me know if you have any questions or whatever. Always glad to help!

*Bclement117 Sep 4, 2011

Ok I fixed it! What do you think now?

`saintartaud Sep 4, 2011 Professional General Artist

The Fortune Teller woke up early that morning to travel deep into the jungle so she could find Alexander.
I am not sure why you added "so she could find Alexander." This is the kind of stuff I pointed out in my crit, the repetition and showing instead of telling. No need to tell me why she's in the jungle when I can easily deduce the reason.

Once Alexander is found, she'll read his mind and know his future. She was a hunter hunting for the boy's future. She wanted to know everything about this boy. Will she see him as an Oman or an Angel?
Again, it's "would," not "will." You need to read through the entire piece and make the tense consistent.

When she entered the jungle, she took off her sandals so that she wouldn't make noises in the jungle.
Missed this on my first comment, but you repeat "jungle" twice here.

"This is too easy! She chuckled.
Forgot to close out quotation.

Alexander thought she was telling the truth. She knew his uncle's name is Nadnerb, which would tell him that she was a friend. He was starting to trust her.
This whole paragraph is, again, what I mean by telling. Of course she uses the name of a guy Alexander knows to gain his trust. This is all very obvious. The only thing you might really want to do is show how she is behaving to gain the boy's trust. Is she smiling at him, or something else? How does Alexander behave? Show me.

Otherwise...I see you cut out some of the exclamation marks, but I still noticed a few here and there. You also left most of the dialogue tags ("hissed," "confessed," "shouted," etc.) in the piece, which is still distracting and worth fixing. I'm not noticing any changes in the imagery/description, so I would suggest continuing to work on that. My issues with the plotting haven't changed. Mostly you need to work on the repetition and showing instead of telling. More specifically, stop explaining things that have already been explained. There is still much work to be done. Good luck!

*Bclement117 Sep 22, 2011

I fixed a few of the mistakes you have found. I did what I could. I hope you like the other chapters better than this one.

~makariytakael92 Jul 4, 2011 Student General Artist

"Once she finds him, she'll read his mind and know his future." (this needs to be changed to past tense) "She was a digger for the future of the boy"(awkward, doesn't make much sense)

-getting better though

*Bclement117 Jul 7, 2011

I have fixed that problem! Now it is 100 percent grammar correct! I have added the Gelbots point of view on chapter 3 and 4.

~the-evil-legacy Jun 30, 2011 Hobbyist Digital Artist

great text !

*Bclement117 Jun 30, 2011

Thank you! That was getting scary was it?

~the-evil-legacy Jul 10, 2011 Hobbyist Digital Artist

yes really !!

~makariytakael92 Jun 1, 2011 Student General Artist

The initial speech by the fortune teller could use some work as well. You write it as: "My people, listen to me! We remembered ten years ago, this mysterious woman came to our world and gave birth to the "Child of the Heavens." For a years, we have never learned about where he or his mother came from or what they are. This boy was very different from his mother. We don't know who his biological father was. Maybe his father is one of our lords that never came back for about two thousand years. Or maybe he is a Demon Child."

If I'm correct, the event in which Alexander is born is a huge event amongst the Cobains. There's a good chance almost every Cobain is going to have a strong memorization of the event and how it shaped Cobain history. Therefore, I don't think you should have the fortune teller asking the Cobains to remember it or recall it. Instead, she may simply run into the city shouting "The Alexander child is a demon! We've been misguided for years"

If I were to reword the speech(the part I pasted above in this message it would be: "My people, listen to me! We've been decieved. The Alexander child is a demon. The child of a foreign race, the one we've trusted for years, cannot be trusted any longer. For years, we embraced the child, as a mother would her very own, but I have forseen his future, and it is a threat to our existence. His future is our demise."

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