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December 16, 2012
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(Contains: violence/gore)

Chapter 1:
Helen's Rescue

501 BC

    Below Mount Olympus, a Spacer Prince named Fabocusa explored a massive hallway flooded with glowing pictures showed the end of the Milky Way war. The Spacers banished the Titans for good, but Seiton warned them of his return. They spent thousands of years rebuilding their crumbled worlds and finding primitives in the galaxy to raise as children. During the search, the Spacer Council sealed themselves in cryostatis pods knowing the primitives may take centuries to cultivate to civilization. When Seiton returns, Fabocusa's Spacers would wake the Council up with an assembled legion. The problem was no one knew when.

    "Alpha, it has been one hundred thousand years since the war ended!" Faboucsa said. "Generation after generation, we believe the Titans will return more powerful than ever. As I watch the primitives becoming advanced every day, my mind trembles knowing the time will come."

    The hovering box with a blue glowing screen and arms at its side spoke, "Master, it is possible that the Titans may have become extinct since they lost their worlds. The Tartarus is an elliptical galaxy. Resources there are scarce and power is very limited.”

    "Another possibility is that they are in hibernation flying back to the Milky Way and may attack at any time," he said.

    "It is about 7 million light years from us," Alpha shook his box in frustration.

    "Unless they use a special engine to create a powerful wormhole similar to the one used against them," he became very concerned.

    "Master, I detect increasing stress within you," said Alpha. "I suggest that you take you mind off of this and take time to think about becoming king."
    "I can't!" he paced back and forth while Alpha followed. "We don't know if the Titans or Seiton will return the way they originally came or if they have become artificially intelligent. The Council doesn't even know how to stop them, and they have been sleeping for thousands of years!"

    "We must not awaken them until the enemy arrives," Alpha point a finger up to warn him.

    "You are right," he sighed. "I will just go get fresh air."

    Alpha followed Fabocusa as he walked down the stairs leading him to the base of the mountain. Then he heard a girl's scream a couple of miles away. Fabocusa said, "Alpha, did you hear that?"

    "It must be a female human crying for help," said Alpha.

    "I must investigate," Fabocusa began to walk out of the tunnel.

    They found themselves at the edge of a cliff. He took out his palm-sized telescope and puts it on his right eye. As he looked through, he increased the magnification to view a palace of columns just at the base on the mountain. He caught a glimpse of a young girl in rags being beaten by an elderly woman. The girl ran for the balcony of the palace, crashing into a few bushes.

    "I've got to help her!" Fabocusa began to sprint down the slope.

    "Master you have to be careful," Alpha warned Fabocusa as he rushed behind him. "If you interact with a Human, you’ll be exiled."

    "That will never happen," said Fabocusa thinking that his Spacer monitor worried too much. "She needs my help! You can't follow me!"

    Alpha stopped hovering, "What?"

    Fabocusa stopped running, "It is better if I go alone. I will be back soon."

    "Alright," said Alpha. "Just be careful!"

    Meanwhile, the young girl, Helen had her ragged clothes ripped, pale skin covered with bruises. Blood dripped from her nose, and most of her raven hair ripped up. Rivers of tears flowed from her amber eyes. She got up and ran as fast as possible. She looked as if she was a skeleton. As she ran, she heard her master screaming for her to come back. But, if she got captured, she would be punished or executed.

    Memories of her life as a slave flashed in front of her. She could see her family dying in front of her. Her master forced her to entertain guest. She could feel the punches, scratches, and slaps as she ran down the street. She then tripped over a base of stairs that lead to a hill. On the top was a temple built with columns of marble. She knew it was the Temple of Zeus. She crawled her way to the temple as she didn't have the energy to get back up.

    Once she got inside, she collapsed and crawled her way to statue of Zeus. Her vision fogged as she tried to look at Zeus himself. She hoped that he would end her misery, and give her a new life in Elysium.

    She sobbed to the statue, "Almighty Zeus, king of the gods! You have been watching me for years and done nothing! I am calling to you now to end my life!"
When she made her wish, nothing happened. Not a gust of wind. Not even candles or torches lit.

    She screamed. "Kill me! Take me to Elysium!"

    With no luck, Helen curled into a ball and sobbed even more. Her eyes caught a glimpse of a silver knife with a golden handle lying on the damp floor. The longer she looked, the more it became her friend. She got on her knees, held the handle with both hands, and pointed the blade to her heart. Her eyes closed, and she whispered, "Thank you, Zeus."

    A shadowy cloaked figure emerged from the shadows, stuck a hand out, and the blade went through it instead of her heart. Helen's eyes opened wildly, and she froze. She let the knife go and retreated not knowing who that person was.

    Helen turned her head to his face and her eyes widened with awe. Under the hood of the cape, she saw his winter white skin and his eyes were as blue as the Mediterranean Sea. The girl’s knife went through his hand. With no pain, he pulled it and blue blood came gushing out. Magically, his hand healed leaving no scar. He took off his hood to show his long white hair. Wiping her face with his cape he sensed that her life was horrible.

    A couple of angry women and soldiers stormed into the temple. Horrified, Helen hid under the man's cape. The women and soldiers barged inside and froze as soon as they saw him. The soldiers dropped to the floor as they bowed to him, but the women stood as stone statues.

    He glared at them knowing they were the ones who tortured this poor girl to near death. He got up and walked towards them. His glare made the women's hearts beat as rapid as drums. Laser blades came out of his hands and thrust them into their stomachs. Their bodies turned into burning charcoal and exploded, leaving piles of ashes. The soldiers ran from temple fearing the same fate.

    Once the soldiers ran away, Fabocusa returned to Helen. She reached up for him as if she was an infant wanting her mother. She smiled as her eyes locked into his. He got her up and she rested in his arms. As he carried her from the temple, he whispered into her ear, "Everything will be alright." He rubbed her cheek and she began to fall asleep.
This is the chapter where Helen gets rescued by a Spacer from her masters. I am expanding the prologue to multiple chapters so everyone would understand better of this sci fi universe. Let me know what you think!
The preview image was drawn by 0-xcheekymonkeyx-0 Check her gallery if you want to. 0-xcheekymonkeyx-0.deviantart.…
Chapter 1:Reading
Add a Comment:
:bulletgreen: Originality and Plot rating: 100%. It is a very heartwarming story, especially towards the end, as Helen didn't need to say a word on her troubles, and they were dealt with, the moment the others stepped into the temple.

:bulletgreen: Size of paragraphs: They're all decently sized.

Question about mysterious Spacer

Is he a high-ranked Spacer, or does he have a notorious history for being a killer?

I have a feeling that either scenario might apply to him. An equally strong hunch about him that I have is that it's a combination of both factors.

:bulletgreen: Usage of descriptive phrases: 10/10 Star rating. One that I found that fit well is "She reached up for him as if she was an infant wanting her mother."

Overall rating: 10/10 stars. In all honesty, when I read stories, this is the style I like to read it as. It is simple, yet, very elegant. For example, when I read "The soldiers ran cowardly out of temple like kindergartners in an overnight camping trip, not daring to look back.", I imagined if they also screamed with high pitches in their voices. However, I like that the detail has been omitted, as it lets the reader imagine whether or not the soldiers did scream.

Keep it up, eh! You have skill similar to Brian Jacques, the writer of Redwall. The vocabulary you utilize is very rich, and I can say that it's one of the things that make your stories very well written.
What do you think?
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Cobrateen Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer

There's something about “December 5th, 501 BC” that feels anachronistic, partly because I'm not sure the word December existed that long ago (I could be wrong about that, Wikipedia tells me December comes from the Roman calendar) and partly because it feels odd to call anything BC when the designation only has meaning in AC times. I understand the date being there as placing the scene for the reader, but is it necessary to place the date when slavery and statues of Zeus does it for you?

Hm, so Spacers are the Olympian gods. Is Fabocusa Hercules or something?

You write that “Fabocusa spent hours exploring a massive hallway” but I don't feel like hours have passed or are passing.

The sentence “rebuilding their crumbled worlds finding primitives in various worlds to raise” feels awkward, either because it runs on or because “worlds” is used twice in quick succession. Perhaps something like “rebuilding their crumbled worlds and finding primitives to raise” or “rebuilding their war-torn colonies, finding primitives on various worlds to raise”

Why were the Council put in cryo-sleep? Is there something special about them, making them the only ones who can face Seiton? I feel like it would be more useful for the Council to let their Spacer race advance without them, perhaps leaving a detailed message outlining the whole plan to defeat Seiton. Then whoever faces Seiton would be up-to-date on current events, unlike the Council who would have to be briefed on a hundred thousand years of news. But I guess you need to because of old Judus ...

“Alpha, it has been almost one hundred thousand years since that war” … Thank you Captain Exposition!

Trembles in fear or in anticipation? And why does it concern him, is he even going to be alive when the next war comes?

Language like “a couple of stars” feels too imprecise for what I assume is an artificial intelligence. Maybe it could say exactly how many? Even if you have to make that number up.

The “probably not” sort of causes a double negative, I think you want “They would be arriving with very limited power”

Ah, so Fabocusa is to be king … I wonder, does the concept of kings and princes herald the downfall of the Spacers? Does the title change with the times, so yesteryear's kings are today's CEO?

I like that Fabocusa is sort of a worrier, imagining all sorts of terrible things that may or may not come true. If they do he looks wise and prescient, if they don't he is at least someone we can empathize with.

“You [are] right,” he sighed.

The double “down” feels awkward, perhaps change it to “Fabocusa took the stairs leading him further down to the base of” or “Fabocusa headed down the stairs leading him to the base of”

The sentence “he came upon three tunnels to go to and thought about which one to go through” feels awkward. Maybe mix it up with some description of the three tunnels, and don't use “go” twice.

“I lost my dagger that I let a Human used during” … Spacer speech quirk or a mistake? There's a bunch of ways to say this, such as a really small change “I lost my dagger that I let a Human use during” or (if it wasn't the humans' fault) “My dagger was lost during” or (since technically Afia didn't lose the dagger) “The Human I let use my dagger lost it during” or “The dagger that I let a Human use was lost during”

Who is Afia and why is she asking the prince to go find her dagger? Especially when a) the prince is her lord, b) the prince is not allowed to interact with humans and c) someone like Afia apparently is.

Helen falling over the balcony is a little sudden. It's a nice dramatic start to her scene, but I wouldn't mind seeing how it happened. Did the balcony break? Was she pushed? Did she fall intentionally to escape?

And I'm guessing Helen is Helen of Troy?

“raggedly” is an adverb, not an adjective, I think you want “ragged”

“clothes were ripped, pale skin nearly covered” technically implies that her skin (not her clothes) is ragged and ripped. “clothes were ripped and her pale skin nearly covered” fixes it. Same sort of weird implication with “was ripped up, rivers of tears” … although I understood what you were saying, so maybe it's fine.

I wonder what the Spacers think of slavery? I'm okay with it being here, it fits the times, but do the Spacers have an opinion? Perhaps they allow it but hope things will change? Or perhaps the Spacers have slaves as well? Hopefully Fabocusa's reaction to her will clue us in.

“Memories of her life as a slave” … so where are those memories? Or was that sentence only there to tell the reader that she was a slave? Because I got that from the “her master screaming”

So “she crawled her way” up the hill? I think it would take more energy to literally crawl up an incline, plus it's odd that she collapses inside if she was crawling. Maybe I just don't like those two instances of crawl so close together.

Zeus himself is in the room? “At Zeus himself” makes me think the real Zeus is standing behind the statue somewhere, which is a real possibility if Spacers are the gods.

I think “heaven” is more a Christian word, though I like how Helen uses “Elysium!” later. Maybe you want “the hereafter” or “the afterlife”

“She sobbed to the mighty Zeus. 'Almighty Zeus, king of the gods!'” … the word “mighty” is used twice in close proximity here, I'm much happier with her using it than the narration.

I like how “Not even candles or torches lit up” implies that the Spacers use minor “miracles” to convince humans that they are supernatural gods

This is a personal gripe and accepted by most other people, but when writers use “lying” I expect there to be a lie. You could leave it alone, or take the word out, or use “laying”

“quick speed” is redundant, in fact if you start the sentence with “Fabocusa emerged” I would still understand that he moved quickly to stop her from killing herself

“her eyes widen” is present tense

Either “skin, and his eyes were as blue” or “skin and his eyes as blue” would work better

If he had stopped at catching the dagger, not healing himself or removing his hood or tenderly wiping her face, I feel like this incident might have been forgiven by whoever didn't want him interacting with humans. Once he does all that, I get the feeling that he wants to show himself and break the rules.

It sure is convenient that he can tell Helen's life is terrible and that the angry women are the cause with one glance each, because otherwise killing those ladies would seem pretty terrible

Holographic blades turn the angry women into exploding bits of charcoal? (Holy graphic violence Batman!) I don't think that's technically what a hologram is. I'm fine with the blades looking like holograms, that's very futuristic, but calling them holographic sort of implies that they shouldn't be able to do what they just did, meaning they aren't actually holographic.

“ran cowardly” is redundant, that “cowardly” feels unnecessary

“got her up in his arms” is much too sexy for a woman that just looked up at him like “an infant wanting her mother” although I do understand “carried her out” so maybe “picked her up off the floor” is closer to what you want

When Helen sees “a ship hovering down” does it look like a ship she would recognize, or does it just look like a strange object?

So I like Fabocusa the Worrier better than Fabocusa the Exposition Provider, but it sure is convenient that Spacer technology is perfectly suited to making them like gods. Helen the Slave is interesting when she takes her own life into her hands, but less so when she's doing goo-goo eyes. Alpha the AI should be interesting to learn more about, Afia the Lazy is the cause of this chapter's problem and I'm still wondering if Zeus the Spacer is going to show up. And isn't this a bit short to be called a full chapter?

Bclement117 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2014

Is Fabocusa Hercules or something?

Humans think that the Spacers are gods including Fabocusa. The Spacers made contact with Humans, Hygers, Aquamaids, Mowls, Tunains, Cobains, Komodos, and Arthros. The Spacers taught these primitive races how to build civilization and the Spacers were worshipped like gods. The very first civilizations’ religions were based on their contact with the Spacers. Later, there will be a person that is very similar to Hercules but I am not going to say who.

Why were the Council put in cryo-sleep?

The Spacers’ life span is only two hundred years and it may take thousands of years for Seiton to return to the galaxy. How he would return is unknown to them. He fears now because he believed that the primitives would not be ready to face Seiton and his minions.

The Spacers could only interact with primitives during ceremonies and rituals.

Helen fell in her tempt to escape from her master and no she is not the Helen of Troy. Good guess though! Yes, she does crawl up the hill. Fabocusa couldn’t bear seeing a Human like Helen suffer.

Spacers don’t have slavery. Some of the primitives do. The Spacers don’t like that idea but they cannot interfere.  

I got rid of that Afia girl to make it better.

Zeus the Spacer will not show up, sorry.

Cobrateen Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer

I'm seeing a lot of trouble in this chapter with tense, you keep using different tenses even within the same sentence. And what did you change? Though the laser blades are better than the holograms, I'll give you that.

Cobrateen Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Do the Cobains like to rock out and commit suicide? (tasteless joke is tasteless)

"A person very similar to Hercules" ... hey, no, I get it, Hybrid, it's obvious that your protagonist (and others I'm guessing) will be half-Spacer, especially with Fabo taking Helen up in his big strong arms. Fabo's gonna make that life better with some lovin~

But WHY did the Council need to be put in cryo-sleep? Was there some special reason why they in particular needed to be alive when Seiton came, a reason special enough to go to the effort of keeping them alive for all that time? I understand that you the writer want them to be there for the final battle, but it's still a plot hole if there is no story reason.

I like Helen more when she is doing stuff for herself, so I'm glad she fell on purpose ... so showing that could be interesting. It doesn't have to be much:

The woman with [description of Helen goes here] was standing beside the balcony, peeking down every so often at the long drop, when a fuming woman came up to her. "Helen, why aren't you serving the drinks to my guests? This is the third time you've slacked off this ten-day, do I need to use the whip again? It's going to be extra hard if you don't jump to it right now!" Helen didn't hesitate. She jumped over the balcony rail.

One paragraph and now we know her name is Helen, we know she jumped on purpose, we know she's a slave and we know her life is terrible. Plus that bit of humor from using jump in two different ways.

The problem with Helen crawling up the hill is that I think it takes more energy to crawl up a hill than walk. But don't take my word for it, try it some time and see for yourself. And if she was exhausted, why would she do the more tiring method?

Taking out Afia doesn't make the piece better in my opinion, especially since she is the reason for the knife being there. More characters is almost never a bad thing, and it's fine for Afia to be dumb and lazy if that's the kind of person she is. And if Afia is someone who gets Fabo in trouble, why? Does Fabo like Afia and so he is willing to do dumb stuff for her? Does Fabo owe Afia a favor? Will Fabo get in less trouble (because he's a prince) if he is seen then Afia would, so he's being noble by helping lessen the trouble that someone has to be in for the knife being left behind?
Dandi-Lions Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013
Well, there's not much more that can be said after =star-blazer's amazing critique (he's seriously a critique GOD!). Just watch your repetition and your telling since there's hardy any showing in this chapter, and work on pacing a bit more. I understand that this is a very rough draft, but hopefully those tips will help you polish it into a more refined draft.
Like I said, there's not much more I could say after the detailed critique you received before me, so it anything, I'll say to pay extra attention to it :D
Bclement117 Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013
Ok I have reedited the chapter, what do you think?
DorianHarper Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Professional Writer
As promised, I had some time today between the other critiques people requested of me and from the manuscript I'm assigned to at work, so I thought I's stop over and give Chapter 1 a read. I was pretty brief with the critique of the prologue in mainly just highlighting the issues, but I thought I'd give my full critique here. I make my living editing novels, so I apologize in advance if I get extremely detailed in certain areas or this gets really long. I guess to say the least, it's closest to what you can expect if you ever query your novel and get assigned to an editing team (though it will be much more in-depth with an entire team of substantive/copy editors working). Anyway, bear with me while I run through this. I really hope you can find my critique helpful since I put a lot into them and love to assist aspiring writers when I can. If you have any questions at all about anything that may be mentioned here, feel free to ask!

"Helen fell over from the balcony of the palace and crashed into a few bushes."

The opening sentence here is a good one in that it signifies action. Many times, writers start with a bland and cliche opening that turns the reader away, but this leaves them wondering why Helen is falling from the balcony and makes them want to keep reading. Good job!

However, this opening sentence is a bit rocky. There are too many words at the start which give it this feel. A suggestion that my editing team was taught when we got our jobs at the publisher I work for told us if we're ever unsure about something, to read it aloud. The ear is a much better critic than the eye. I pass this down to all the authors I work with and advise them to always read work aloud-- no matter what. Try it! I promise it will help you with editing.

Here are two examples of how to possibly clean up this opening sentence and make it a tad smoother:

:bulletblack: Helen fell from the balcony of the palace and crashed into a few bushes.
:bulletblack: Helen fell over the balcony of the palace and crashed into a few bushes.
:bulletblack: Helen fell from the balcony of the palace, crashing into a few bushes.
:bulletblack: Helen fell over the balcony of the palace, crashing into a few bushes.

See the difference in pacing and rhythm? "from" and "over" don't need to be and shouldn't be together in his sentence, so decide on which one sounds the best removed.

"Her rag clothes were ripped; pale skin was nearly covered with bruises; blood dripping out of her nose; most of her raven hair ripped up; rivers of tears flowed out of her amber eyes."

Watch your punctuation here. A semi-colon should be used sparingly in writing, and when it is used, it must be done correctly. Semi-colons are used to separate two complete thoughts that are connected-- like a period, but connecting the sentences due to their relevance together. This section uses them incorrectly; commas should be used in their place, and it should be broken into multiple sentences and verb endings changed. I'll give an edit of it below.

The other thing I highlighted here is your adjectives. This is more a suggestion than a strict editing must, but I just thought I'd bring it to your attention. I bolded them in the sentence just so you could see how you wrote the adjectives and how they are the same pattern (adjective noun_____, adjective noun _____, adjective noun ____). Some of these adjectives can be taken out (such as eye colour: we editors cringe when we see eye colours listed) just to make it less of a mouthful. Here's an editing example of how this sentence should be written (with punctuation fixed, not the adjectives, though I do highly recommend removing some):

:bulletblack: Her rag clothes were ripped, pale skin nearly covered with bruises. Blood dripped out of her nose and most of her raven hair was ripped up, rivers of tears flowing out of her amber eyes.

"Helen fell over from the balcony of the palace and crashed into a few bushes. Her rag clothes were ripped; pale skin was nearly covered with bruises; blood dripping out of her nose; most of her raven hair ripped up; rivers of tears flowed out of her amber eyes. She got up and ran away from the palace as fast as possible. She looked as if she was a skeleton. As she ran, she could hear her master screaming from the palace to get her back."

This is your opening paragraph. Watch how many times you say "palace". There are other words to say this with (that I recommend), or you can just take the word out. Also be careful of sentence variation here. Read this paragraph aloud-- you'll see what I mean. There are a lot of "she ___" in here. Change "she" for Helen in at least one spot. It will help a lot! In fact, as I go back to this paragraph from after finishing, you don't say "Helen" again until about halfway through this chapter. The rest is all "she". Use her name in place of the pronoun-- so many "she"s really bogs this down and makes it hard to read (and makes the reader lose track of who "she" is). Use "Helen" more often and change the variation of some of the sentences.

The opening sentence of the next paragraph reads as follows: "She ran away with memories of her life as a slave kept flashing in her mind leaving behind a trail of tears and blood."

While the phrasing is incorrect, you also repeat "tears" and "blood" that were just used in the paragraph prior. Find another way to say this, or just take them out. Personally, I think this sentence would sound best with them removed, as shown below (with the grammar corrected):

:bulletblack: She ran away with the memories of her life as a slave flashing in her mind.

"She had been beaten by many suitors and masters as she spent a few years as a slave. People around her never had seen her as a person, only a tool. She was a condemned soul who had been being burned alive in Hell for so many years."

I'll bring it up now, though I did notice it throughout the rest of your writing and probably will address it again at the end. Watch your show vs. telling. This is all telling here, and something that you really want to avoid in your writing. It bores the reader and takes away from the overall writing. I highly recommend this article put out by the Writer's Digest that was in one of their previous in-print issues that I keep in my records for my authors: [link] Read it over and see if any of the tips and tricks and rules are helpful (I guarantee they will be!).

"She ran up to the top of a hill where the Temple of Zeus was located. When she got to the base of the stairs, she tripped and fell. She didn't have the energy to get back up, so she crawled her way to the top. Then she got back up and ran inside the temple.

Once she was inside, she collapsed and crawled her way to statue of Zeus. Her vision was fogged as she tried to look at Zeus himself. She believed that he would end her misery and give her a new life in heaven."

I won't say anything again on the subject except this is all telling and no showing, but what I really want to point out here is repetition/similarity of action. Read this aloud. Look and see how many times she's running and falling and crawling to the temple. (In fact, look and see how many times she's running and falling and crawling through this whole chapter). Slow your pace down and really get your readers to see what's happening. Remember: show, don't tell! (And don't repeat).

Since we finally get some dialogue, I thought I would point out punctuation mistakes with it:

"She sobbed to the mighty Zeus, "Almighty Zeus……King of the Gods………I want my life……to end!""

Since "She sobbed to the mighty Zeus" is a complete sentence/thought, the comma before the first quotation marks should be a period. Only use a comma when it's an incomplete thought or sentence. You also use "mighty Zeus" and "Almighty Zeus" right next to each other. This isn't necessary. You don't even really need to use "Zeus" at all before the quotations since it's clear she's addressing him by what she says. Another thing is with your ellipses. To be correct grammatically, you may ONLY use three-- no more (not in ANY situation). A most effective way of wording this sentence would be:

:bulletblack: She sobbed. "Almighty Zeus...King of the Gods...I want my end!"

"She screamed, "Kill me……Strike your lightning bolt…into my heart……let me be…with my family again!""

This is the same instance as the example above. It should be corrected to:

:bulletblack: She screamed. "Kill me...Strike your lightning bolt...into my heart...let me be...with my family again!"

And again here:

"She closed her eyes and whispered, "Thank you, Zeus.""

:bulletblack: She closed her eyes and whispered. "Thank you, Zeus."

During this section where Helen finds the knife, I advise you to be careful of how many times you actually use "knife". There are other words instead of "knife" that you can use, or you can just take it out. The paragraphs are too long to post here and highlight everything, but it was something that I saw and took note of when readig (and something that your readers will take note of, too).

"Under the hood of the cape was a young handsome male Spacer with winter white skin, dark blue pupils, and the rest of his eyes were as blue as the Mediterranean Sea."

Watch your description in this sentence. It makes for very awkward syntax. Again, your descriptions are very heavy with the adjectives and that's something you should probably cut back on (especially here when you say "dark blue pupils" and then say "the rest of his eyes were blue..." Don't use "blue" twice: dark or not). Just watch these excessive adjectives and remove one of the "blue"s here.

"To her, he looked very beautiful."

The first thing I'll say is that this is telling, and it also shouldn't be here because this story is told through third person. These up close and personal thoughts/opinions of characters that are just told to the audience shouldn't happen in the 3rd person POV. Aside from being grammatically incorrect, it also is overly cliche and something that you want to avoid. "Very" is a word you should never use in literature in general, but saying some one is "very beautiful" really doesn't say much at all-- and it comes off as teen fanfic. (Publishers and editors hate it!) Take this line out.

"He slowly reached her face and wiped the tears and blood off her face." :pointr: "tears" and "blood" used again. Watch how often you use these two, especially when they are together in the same sentence. Revise this.

" Then the women's' bodies slowly turned into large hot charcoal and exploded, leaving nothing but piles of ashes."

"Women's'"... you don't need the apostrophe after the "s". This should just read "women's".

"The soldiers ran cowardly out of temple like kindergartners in an overnight camping trip, not daring to look back."

The "like kindergartners in an overnight camping trip" part is awkward in this story to say the least. Are there kindergartners in this world? Would this be a relevant comparison? It's an awkward simile and something you should definitely remove. Just make it: "The soldiers ran cowardly out of the temple, not daring to look back."

"He rubbed her cheek and she began to dose off." :pointr: "dose" should be "doze"

Now, for the overall comments on the chapter:

You have a good idea started here from what I can tell, and from what I saw in the Prologue. It's clear you have a grasp of your characters and their back stories and want to add as much action and detail into your work as possible. I can tell you have a lot of passion for this story.

However, the detail can be a little too much at times, and the action very repetitive, fast, and telly. I think you need to work the most here with pacing. By showing instead of telling, you'll be able to slow your writing down and build the action and emotion in your writing tenfold. For such a dramatic and action packed scene, it goes very quickly and loses a lot of the feeling that could have been built up in this. Slow it down a little. Really show the reader what's happening: don't just tell them.

Again, watch for repetitions. Reading your work aloud can help with this, as well as help you with your pacing. Use "Helen" instead of "she" in a lot of places to really make this piece more effective.

Like I said, you're off to a good start idea-wise, but it's just not there on paper yet. Slow your pacing down and work less on telling your reader everything. It will do wonders for your story and really make it something exciting!

I would be happy to continue reading on to further chapters for you. Just bear in mind that I am busy a few days a week at a publishing company working on other manuscripts, so it may take a while. I often get at least 3-4 critique requests a day from deviants seeking my advice, but I'll add you to my list now to make it easier.

I hope this critique will be of help to you for edits and for your future writing. Good luck and best wishes!
Bclement117 Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013
This is very helpful, thank you so much! What do you think of my new edited version now?
DorianHarper Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Professional Writer
You're most welcome! My apologies for not getting around to this sooner, as I've been rather busy with work this past week.

Looking it over, it looks a lot tighter and cleaner than the first draft. Everything runs much more smoothly and I think that the pacing is a lot better. :D

The one thing I did notice that I think I hadn't before was with this section:

"As she ran, she could hear her master screaming for her to come back. But if she gets captured, she could be either brutally punished or executed.

She ran away with memories of her life as a slave kept flashing in her mind. She ran up to the top of a hill where the Temple of Zeus was located. When she got to the base of the stairs, she tripped and fell. She didn't have the energy to get back up, so she crawled her way to the top. Then she got back up and ran inside the temple."

Like in some of the comments in the critique the first time, just watch for repetitions. I hadn't noticed these ones the first time, but reading through again, I picked up on them (hence proof why editing is a more than one time thing :giggle:).

Other than that, though, you've improved a lot with these revisions and I think your story flows a lot stronger. Good job!
Bclement117 Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013
fixed it
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