There's something about “December 5th, 501 BC” that feels anachronistic, partly because I'm not sure the word December existed that long ago (I could be wrong about that, Wikipedia tells me December comes from the Roman calendar) and partly because it feels odd to call anything BC when the designation only has meaning in AC times. I understand the date being there as placing the scene for the reader, but is it necessary to place the date when slavery and statues of Zeus does it for you?
Hm, so Spacers are the Olympian gods. Is Fabocusa Hercules or something?
You write that “Fabocusa spent hours exploring a massive hallway” but I don't feel like hours have passed or are passing.
The sentence “rebuilding their crumbled worlds finding primitives in various worlds to raise” feels awkward, either because it runs on or because “worlds” is used twice in quick succession. Perhaps something like “rebuilding their crumbled worlds and finding primitives to raise” or “rebuilding their war-torn colonies, finding primitives on various worlds to raise”
Why were the Council put in cryo-sleep? Is there something special about them, making them the only ones who can face Seiton? I feel like it would be more useful for the Council to let their Spacer race advance without them, perhaps leaving a detailed message outlining the whole plan to defeat Seiton. Then whoever faces Seiton would be up-to-date on current events, unlike the Council who would have to be briefed on a hundred thousand years of news. But I guess you need to because of old Judus ...
“Alpha, it has been almost one hundred thousand years since that war” … Thank you Captain Exposition!
Trembles in fear or in anticipation? And why does it concern him, is he even going to be alive when the next war comes?
Language like “a couple of stars” feels too imprecise for what I assume is an artificial intelligence. Maybe it could say exactly how many? Even if you have to make that number up.
The “probably not” sort of causes a double negative, I think you want “They would be arriving with very limited power”
Ah, so Fabocusa is to be king … I wonder, does the concept of kings and princes herald the downfall of the Spacers? Does the title change with the times, so yesteryear's kings are today's CEO?
I like that Fabocusa is sort of a worrier, imagining all sorts of terrible things that may or may not come true. If they do he looks wise and prescient, if they don't he is at least someone we can empathize with.
“You [are] right,” he sighed.
The double “down” feels awkward, perhaps change it to “Fabocusa took the stairs leading him further down to the base of” or “Fabocusa headed down the stairs leading him to the base of”
The sentence “he came upon three tunnels to go to and thought about which one to go through” feels awkward. Maybe mix it up with some description of the three tunnels, and don't use “go” twice.
“I lost my dagger that I let a Human used during” … Spacer speech quirk or a mistake? There's a bunch of ways to say this, such as a really small change “I lost my dagger that I let a Human use during” or (if it wasn't the humans' fault) “My dagger was lost during” or (since technically Afia didn't lose the dagger) “The Human I let use my dagger lost it during” or “The dagger that I let a Human use was lost during”
Who is Afia and why is she asking the prince to go find her dagger? Especially when a) the prince is her lord, b) the prince is not allowed to interact with humans and c) someone like Afia apparently is.
Helen falling over the balcony is a little sudden. It's a nice dramatic start to her scene, but I wouldn't mind seeing how it happened. Did the balcony break? Was she pushed? Did she fall intentionally to escape?
And I'm guessing Helen is Helen of Troy?
“raggedly” is an adverb, not an adjective, I think you want “ragged”
“clothes were ripped, pale skin nearly covered” technically implies that her skin (not her clothes) is ragged and ripped. “clothes were ripped and her pale skin nearly covered” fixes it. Same sort of weird implication with “was ripped up, rivers of tears” … although I understood what you were saying, so maybe it's fine.
I wonder what the Spacers think of slavery? I'm okay with it being here, it fits the times, but do the Spacers have an opinion? Perhaps they allow it but hope things will change? Or perhaps the Spacers have slaves as well? Hopefully Fabocusa's reaction to her will clue us in.
“Memories of her life as a slave” … so where are those memories? Or was that sentence only there to tell the reader that she was a slave? Because I got that from the “her master screaming”
So “she crawled her way” up the hill? I think it would take more energy to literally crawl up an incline, plus it's odd that she collapses inside if she was crawling. Maybe I just don't like those two instances of crawl so close together.
Zeus himself is in the room? “At Zeus himself” makes me think the real Zeus is standing behind the statue somewhere, which is a real possibility if Spacers are the gods.
I think “heaven” is more a Christian word, though I like how Helen uses “Elysium!” later. Maybe you want “the hereafter” or “the afterlife”
“She sobbed to the mighty Zeus. 'Almighty Zeus, king of the gods!'” … the word “mighty” is used twice in close proximity here, I'm much happier with her using it than the narration.
I like how “Not even candles or torches lit up” implies that the Spacers use minor “miracles” to convince humans that they are supernatural gods
This is a personal gripe and accepted by most other people, but when writers use “lying” I expect there to be a lie. You could leave it alone, or take the word out, or use “laying”
“quick speed” is redundant, in fact if you start the sentence with “Fabocusa emerged” I would still understand that he moved quickly to stop her from killing herself
“her eyes widen” is present tense
Either “skin, and his eyes were as blue” or “skin and his eyes as blue” would work better
If he had stopped at catching the dagger, not healing himself or removing his hood or tenderly wiping her face, I feel like this incident might have been forgiven by whoever didn't want him interacting with humans. Once he does all that, I get the feeling that he wants to show himself and break the rules.
It sure is convenient that he can tell Helen's life is terrible and that the angry women are the cause with one glance each, because otherwise killing those ladies would seem pretty terrible
Holographic blades turn the angry women into exploding bits of charcoal? (Holy graphic violence Batman!) I don't think that's technically what a hologram is. I'm fine with the blades looking like holograms, that's very futuristic, but calling them holographic sort of implies that they shouldn't be able to do what they just did, meaning they aren't actually holographic.
“ran cowardly” is redundant, that “cowardly” feels unnecessary
“got her up in his arms” is much too sexy for a woman that just looked up at him like “an infant wanting her mother” although I do understand “carried her out” so maybe “picked her up off the floor” is closer to what you want
When Helen sees “a ship hovering down” does it look like a ship she would recognize, or does it just look like a strange object?
So I like Fabocusa the Worrier better than Fabocusa the Exposition Provider, but it sure is convenient that Spacer technology is perfectly suited to making them like gods. Helen the Slave is interesting when she takes her own life into her hands, but less so when she's doing goo-goo eyes. Alpha the AI should be interesting to learn more about, Afia the Lazy is the cause of this chapter's problem and I'm still wondering if Zeus the Spacer is going to show up. And isn't this a bit short to be called a full chapter?
Is Fabocusa Hercules or something?
Humans think that the Spacers are gods including Fabocusa. The Spacers made contact with Humans, Hygers, Aquamaids, Mowls, Tunains, Cobains, Komodos, and Arthros. The Spacers taught these primitive races how to build civilization and the Spacers were worshipped like gods. The very first civilizations’ religions were based on their contact with the Spacers. Later, there will be a person that is very similar to Hercules but I am not going to say who.
Why were the Council put in cryo-sleep?
The Spacers’ life span is only two hundred years and it may take thousands of years for Seiton to return to the galaxy. How he would return is unknown to them. He fears now because he believed that the primitives would not be ready to face Seiton and his minions.
The Spacers could only interact with primitives during ceremonies and rituals.
Helen fell in her tempt to escape from her master and no she is not the Helen of Troy. Good guess though! Yes, she does crawl up the hill. Fabocusa couldn’t bear seeing a Human like Helen suffer.
Spacers don’t have slavery. Some of the primitives do. The Spacers don’t like that idea but they cannot interfere.
I got rid of that Afia girl to make it better.
Zeus the Spacer will not show up, sorry.