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CommnderShepard117's avatar
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Alright my friends and fans, this is the first chapter of Hybrid 3. I may not be posting a lot of chapters, but I wrote this to keep everyone interesting in my series. In this chapter, Fabocusa's former friend Cahan lead a hundred Spacers into a bunker during Seiton's return to the galaxy. Cahan and the Spacers are inside this bunkers waiting for the primitives to arrive and wake them up. Would they still be alive when they find them? Stay tuned!

Chapter 1: Reading
Chapter 2: bclement117.deviantart.com/art…
Mature
© 2014 - 2024 CommnderShepard117
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Lexi-Cat's avatar
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Impact

I love the concept of this series! The imagery is brilliant and your adjectives are ace, however I think that you have not put enough time into your sentence, paragraph and dialogue structure.


You have used many short, sharp sentences, which is okay occasionally, but it results being as being monotonous and can get boring to read, no matter how interesting the content. A similar thing with your dialogue, by using the same words and punctuation repeatedly draws from the reading experience as a whole because it can become boring for the reader. You have very good spelling, you just need to work on moving away from repetition, and perhaps using more sophisticated words such as 'leaped' instead of 'jumped'.


Other than these few points, I think you have produced a wonderful first chapter. Keep up the work, and I am looking forward to reading more!!